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Perdida: Reflections of A Queer Latina Femme
It was about two years ago that I left my husband and partner of 8 years. I knew that the path I had written myself was not the one I was supposed to lead. It broke my heart to step out of the well-known and safe to a world full of questions and unknowns, but I realized that I could no longer deny the emptiness I felt with men. Those curiosities I had had while growing up and well into my adult life needed to be acted upon.
A year ago I pursued romantic interactions with women. I never really knew how awkward I was until I tried to hit on a woman for the first time. I also never realized how many more questions marks I was drawing for myself by entering a world I had no connection to. I soon fell head over heels in love with someone, but found that my heart could just as easily be squashed by a woman. Not only was this my first real adult relationship, but this was my first adult love. I wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing! I was also naïve enough to think that a woman would take more care of my heart than a man. At least I learned that these curiosities were more than a fleeting desire, that I had the capability of being in love with a woman, and seeing a future with her. I don’t know if I will ever close the door on men, yet I now know that I fit somewhere on the spectrum of sexuality.
My first relationship with a woman left me more lost than before. I had always been open to the sensuality and fluidity of love. I never looked at people for their shell. Looks, possessions, and status never mattered to me when looking for a partner. I always thought myself capable of looking into someone’s eyes and seeing into their soul after only a short conversation. Now I was left with more labels to play around with: butch, femme, dominant, submissive, etc. What the hell had I gotten myself into? I thought that at the least entering the queer world would leave me with more options than the machista, Latino, hetero world I had said goodbye to.
I was left on my ass months after my world wind love had started. I was alone, depressed, and more lost than the day I left my ex-husband. I realized that I needed to make a community for myself. My family members and friends tried their hardest to be supportive, but how can you explain queerness to those you love when you haven’t even defined it for yourself? How can you explain to your mother that your lifestyle isn’t a cry for attention? I needed answers. I needed to find solidarity with a group of people who understood where I was coming from. I started to go to QWOC events and my eyes were opened. After attending a discussion on masculinity I realized that we all live on multiple spectrums of sexuality, gender, and dominance, and that I wasn’t alone.
I don’t have all the answers and I never hope to. I hope that this blog will allow me to find more answers within myself, and I hope that other perdidos (“lost”) queer folk will find that I stand in solidarity with them.